Apologies, I’m not sure if this is the right forum, but I need a little help.
I recently started a new relationship and we’ve been together 4 months now. Things have been going well. We talk every day and are fond of each other. I was open about my status straight away, and luckily, she was vaccinated. I explained everything I knew with her.
It was new to her, and naturally, there was panic. She had recently travelled to Kenya, and when getting her travel injections, the doctor had warned her not to sleep with locals for this reason. She also panicked that she needed to tell her family who I had not met because they would be in danger. The reaction did not make me feel great, and she also didn’t understand why I’m careful about disclosing, but we worked it out and promised decisions would be made together.
I also shared my results, I’m usually <300 and have never been on medication. She checked it with her doctor and they were okay but she also wanted to speak to a specialist.
Things were fine from then on, and I thought it was behind us, but then a conversation came up that she wanted to tell her parents. It didn’t seem like I was being given much of a choice. I shared that I understood her concern and why I didn’t want to share with her parents. Also advised it would be better to speak to a specilist first. For the most part, I’ve realised part of my coping mechnism is limiting the number of people I tell, thus avoiding judgment or adverse reactions. I’m in a good place with it all and how I handle this but I practice discretion.
Earlier this month, she expressed that she wasn’t okay with it as she thought, and she was scared to be with me physically. Full disclosure, we always use protection. I asked to put her in touch with my doctor and specialists as I had done before. She didn’t completely reject my offer but went to her doctor for recommendations.
Fast forward, last Monday, the parent conversation came up again when she shared she had been given specialist names. I reiterated my position once again, advising she speak to a specialist first.
On Thursday morning, the topic indirectly came up on text, and I asked that we stop having the same conversation, if she understood why I’m careful.
Friday night, we were talking, and I shared that it felt like she had already told her parents and was trying to get permission after the fact. That’s when she shared she had told her parents that morning. She said she had been on the phone with her mother, was breaking down, and could not hold it in anymore. On one note, her parents reassured her what I had told her already, but ultimately, the bigger issue is that she went against my wishes and broke my trust. I get that her parents are her support network, and it’s not that I would have never ever told her parents, but I’d have liked to have met them first to make that decision. Additionally, you never know how people will react. They may say one thing, but their actions could be different. The other thing was that she never cared to work through it with me or learn. Her mindset was that only a specialist could help her.
I’m lost as to how I navigate this. Her reaction has been mixed, she’s apologised, she’s also been defensive that I also broke her trust by not telling her the first time we spent the night together on our second date (we did not have sex) but overall, she’s scared to lose me.
Maybe I’ve missed something. Maybe I didn’t explain well enough or may have been too stuck in my way, so I’m looking for some form of support. Also, if anyone has gone through similar, I’d like to know what the outcome was. Did you manage to get past it, and if so, how was the relationship after. Thank you.